What I Didn’t Want for Christmas

Posted on January 1, 2012 by marriageonamission

Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!” John 11:43-44

I love the story of Lazarus because, well…Jesus raises a dead man from the grave. I mean …what’s not to love?

But, what should you do when death doesn’t rise? What should you do? 

What should I do?

Almost every post I’ve written over the last 9 months has been penned from a place of deep pain and desperate hope. Living in the shadows of Heaven’s silence. Lazarus getting sicker and sicker and still, no Jesus. Mary and Martha panicking and praying their guts out.

“Where’s the miracle? Why hasn’t Jesus come? When is He coming? Why, of all things, is my brother getting worse? So much worse?”

Like Lazarus’ sisters, these are the honest questions that I’ve cried out to God and wrestled with everyday. Every single day of my brother’s troubling illness.

While there is much I won’t pretend to understand, this I know: God has used this painful season to teach me to come alongside, more intimately, the suffering of others…those precious ones grieving the loss of a marriage…a dream…a family as family was intended to exist. And, this I also know…my intimacy with Christ has grown in breadth and depth beyond all confines.

These are all good things. I know that. Redemptive things. And, I’m grateful for each one. I am. I really am. But, the reality in which I now find myself is that…

I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas this year…or the last three years, for that matter. I fasted, prayed, worshiped, wept…even slept with my Bible night after night. For three long years my heartcries only became more dramatic as each day passed and still…no “visible” or “tangible” answers. No healing. Nothing.

We tried everything to save my brother. Did everything. Prayed everything. And, still…so much pain and suffering. Too much. Everyday, his mental condition robbing him of dignity. Stripping him bare.

Every conversation…hearing him slip further away from me, the way a song slowly fades down low, until it comes to a silent end. And then…just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…Heaven’s silence grew all the more deafening.

On December 11th, I got the one thing for Christmas that I never, EVER wanted.

Since Jay’s passing, I’ve found myself floundering in a greater measure of grief than I ever thought possible…the loss of his young life sucking the breath from my chest. My heart throbbing hot with the stark realization that his pain became far too much for him to bear, even for one more moment.

A pain he could not express, nor contain.

God, how can this be? While I know Jay is at rest in Heaven’s peace now, the reality of things gone seemingly awry has turned me upside-down and inside-out. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. His healing was supposed to happen on THIS side of Heaven, not the other.

I share this with you as I weep and grieve and groan–the computer screen blurred by endless tears–only because I know that God never intended us to hide our wounds–as much as we might like to–especially when they’re gaping wide open and bleeding out all over. Jesus didn’t try to cover up His blood. Instead, His blood covered all.

No doubt you’re longing for healing to happen on this side of Heaven too, as were we. That’s what drew most of you to our blog and to our marriage restoration story from the very start. But, as one year closes and another begins, we’re faced with learning to live out the sobering fact that…

Sometimes Jesus comes before death…

Sometimes Jesus brings life after death…

But, sometimes...death just comes. And stays.

Death has come and it is staying and amidst all my fighting and flailing, I know that I know that I know that I will drown in the massive waves of grief unless…

He trains my eyes and I strain my eyes…not to look, but to see. Because when I let God take me beyond the looking and into the seeing, I realize that…

Jesus did come.

Jesus came. 

I only know this because in the days since I got the one thing for Christmas that I never ever wanted, I’ve seen Jesus in unfathomable ways:

Jesus came in the person who left a candle on the porch of our childhood home.

Jesus came in the neighbor who consoled my father’s grief.

Jesus came in the memorial symbols that were definitely ALL THINGS JAY.

Jesus came in the sojourners who held me as I wept.

Jesus came in the smudgy sentiments of little hearts laid bare.

Jesus came in the dear ones who lent us hands and feet.

Jesus came in my Grammy, who wore Jay’s treasure with honor.

Jesus came in the red and green, hung against our mourning drab.

Jesus came in the sunlight, through the windows of the chapel.

Jesus came in the flowers, carried one-by-one.

Jesus came in the faces of the mourners, standing room only.

Jesus came in Hope’s candlelight, soft and glowing.

Jesus came.

Jesus comes.

Jesus will come again.

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Faith: Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Posted on December 9, 2011 by marriageonamission

The following post is an excerpt from our upcoming devotional, Marriage on a Mission–A Short-Term Journey with a Long-Term Impact.

“As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed Him, calling out, ‘Have mercy on us, Son of David!’ When He had gone indoors, the blind men came to Him, and He asked them, ‘Do you believe that I am able to do this?” ‘Yes, Lord,’ they replied. Then, He touched their eyes and said, ‘According to your faith will it be done to you;’ and their sight was restored.” Matthew 9:27-29

As we traveled east across the desert today, I took note of the large pieces of tire tread strewn all over the highway—clear evidence that flat tires and blow-outs occur quite frequently in the desert. At times, we had to be careful not to run over the rubber with our van. Clint said the long journey, combined with the heat of the desert and the expansion of air in the tires, often causes the rubber just to…give way.

My spiritual life has mirrored this same principle many times. It’s pretty safe to say that I’ve had my share of blow-outs in the desert. When the duration, intense heat, and pressure of painful circumstances all seemed to combine, resulting in a spiritual blow-out, of sorts. More often than I’d like to admit, I’ve been forced to pull off the road and make some necessary repairs and adjustments to my faith. To complicate matters, each time I’ve had to pull over, fears and worries threatened to keep me off the road; staying safely on the shoulder much longer than was really necessary.

“Do you believe that I am able to do this?” What an intriguing question Jesus asked the two blind men. As we drove through the desert on day 2 of this 40-day journey, I knew God was asking me the very same thing. “Do you believe that I can sustain you and provide for all your needs during every day of this coast-to-coast mission?”

I have to admit, I’ve had my share of doubts about what has, at times, seemed like a rather crazy undertaking. There were days prior to leaving when I convinced myself that this trip was too far outside my abilities and my comfort zone…that I could never actually set out on, let alone finish, a journey like this. And, now I realize that I’m right. I can’t handle this journey. But, I know Someone who can.

The question is, “Do I really believe that He is able?”

Do I really believe that God will carry us through every experience, every trial (and we’ve already had several) every detour, and every blow-out? As we drove down the interstate toward Arizona, I realized that I needed to re-affirm the fact that indeed, “Lord, I believe!”

The moment we exercise our faith by telling God we believe He is able to ______________ (Go ahead, fill in that blank with whatever you’re facing right now, no matter how outrageous and impossible) is the exact place where the rubber meets the road.

With every journey comes Grand Canyoned-sized risks; that much is true. But, it will always be our faith in what God can do, that will retread our souls and get us back out onto the highway.

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Holding on to HOPE

Posted on November 30, 2011 by marriageonamission

“….A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

But the Darkness comes calling and what once was one is torn in two. His heart grows hard. Her heart cries out as he drifts away from God…drifts away from her and goes his own way.

She’s left to drown…the undertow sucking the breath from her chest. Sucking her down. Sucking her under.

Until HOPE appears on Love’s horizon and she grabs hold…clings to HOPE for dear life because she knows that she knows that she knows that no matter how high the floodwaters may rise…

HOPE FLOATS.

HOPE ALWAYS FLOATS.

It’s a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, 
   the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— 
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember, 
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, 
   his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning. 
   How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). 
   He’s all I’ve got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, 
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope, 
   quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young 
   to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take, 
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: 
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. 
   The “worst” is never the worst.

Lamentation 3:19-30 (The Message, emphasis added)

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Rebuilding on the Ruins

Posted on November 26, 2011 by marriageonamission

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the LORD, “because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.” This is what the LORD says: “I will restore the fortunes of Jacob’s tents and have compassion on his dwellings; the city will be rebuilt on her ruins, and the palace will stand in its proper place.” Jeremiah 30:17–18 (emphasis added)

During our research for writing, Marriage on the Mend—Tangible Tools to Restore Your Relationship, we learned that for a variety of political, economic, and religious reasons, rebuilding a new civilization on top of a ruined one was a common practice for thousands of years. Archaeologists speculate that civilizations built on the ruins of their predecessors to obtain a clear conscience. In other words, these civilizations built on past ruins to wipe the slate clean and start over in a whole new way.

Because of Jesus’ death on the Cross, the same can be said for the ruins that occur as a result of broken marriages. Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection give us the astounding privilege of restoring shattered relationships.

We will never forget the day, several years ago, that we returned to the church where we were married the first time. We hadn’t been there together for 18 years.

I cannot begin to describe the surging of the Holy Spirit as we apologized for breaking our marriage vows, asked for forgiveness from old friends, and shared the miraculous way God had reconciled our marriage after an eleven-year divorce. Needless to say, it was both a tear-filled and a joy-filled experience that we will never forget.

When we honestly acknowledge the painful experiences of the past and expose them to the healing light of Christ, He wipes the slate clean and starts rebuilding for a whole new future.

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When Words Wound

Posted on November 17, 2011 by marriageonamission

Her husband’s words had sliced her heart wide open. Left her gaping.

“I was crushed to the point [that] my body was shaking and I couldn’t breathe.”  She bleeds out all over my screen.

My cursor blinks loud. Blinks and blinks…and blinks some more.

“How can I possibly help bandage those wounds?” I stare and pray.

And then, I remember that I can’t. I can’t stop the bleeding, but I know Someone who can. So, I take her to the Healer…take her there with words and lay her down. Together, we anoint His feet with her tears. He bottles each one.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side!” Psalm 56:8-9

At Jesus’ feet, her tears become His treasure…because He paid to redeem them…when He bled out all over.

“He was beaten, he was tortured, 
   but he didn’t say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered 
   and like a sheep being sheared, 
   he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off— 
   and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare, 
   beaten bloody for the sins of my people.

Isaiah 53:7-8 (The Message, emphasis added)


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When Heaven Seems Silent

Posted on November 13, 2011 by marriageonamission

When we cry out to God…

And cry out…

And cry out some more…

And still, Heaven seems silent…

We mustn’t be.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

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That Voice

Posted on November 1, 2011 by marriageonamission

There’s anguish on the other end of the line as she cries out through sniffs and snot, “Last night was bad! Really, REALLY bad!”

I’m straining to hear what she’s really trying to say.

“What does ‘really bad’ look like?” I ask…for lack of a better question.

“I can’t go on like this. The pain is just too much. I don’t want to live anymore.” 

My heart breaks and for a split second, I forget. I forget who God is…forget what He promises…forget what He can do. For a moment, I get lost in, “no husband and no money and no job and no home and no future and and and…” She’s going down for the third time and I know it.

But all of a sudden, I hear Something. Someone deep within my heart. That Voice. His Voice! You know the One.

That Voice that shakes us and wakes us…

To remember! To petition! To proclaim! To declare! 

To HOPE AGAINST ALL HOPE!

So we wage war on “no husband” by calling on our Husband.

We wage war on “no money” by calling on our Portion.

We wage war on “no job” by calling on our Provider.

We wage war on “no home” by calling on our Dwelling Place.

And, we wage war on “no future” by calling on the our Destiny!

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Intentional Gratitude

Posted on October 24, 2011 by marriageonamission

At the suggestion of my deepest friend, she and I–along with one other sojourner–are practicing intentional gratitude for the 40 days leading up to Thanksgiving. So, every morning for the past 9 days I’ve been taking some extra time alone with God to give Him thanks, to highlight verses and passages in His Word that reflect gratitude, and to write a thank you note to someone in my life whom I appreciate. And then, I go downstairs and see this…

Looks like an ordinary kitchen barstool to most, but because I thrive in surroundings that are orderly and neat and organized…which means that all barstools should be pushed flush against the counter, shouldn’t they???…all my gratitude goes out the window.

So I stand there…staring and sighing at the barstool…before I walk over, push it against the counter, and ask myself, “Why can’t Clint just push in the barstool when he’s done with breakfast?”

And then God asks Himself, “Why doesn’t Penny just give Me thanks for the man who sits in that barstool every morning at breakfast?”

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness (Colossians 3:15, emphasis added).

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Broken Things

Posted on October 19, 2011 by marriageonamission

I don’t like it when things get broken. Don’t like it one bit.

But, God has a hankering for broken things.

He has to have them.

He searches for messes beyond measure.

Because NOTHING lies beyond His restorative reach.

NOTHING.

“For I will restore you to health 
And I will heal you of your wounds,” declares the LORD, 
“Because they have called you an outcast, saying: 
‘It is Zion; no one cares for her.'” Jeremiah 30:17 NASB

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WANTED: More Hands

Posted on October 16, 2011 by marriageonamission

When a mission comes to a close, we’re like two horses headed for the feed barn. Hungry for home.

We unload. Unpack. Unwind.

Reflect. Regroup. Recharge.

But, the ecstacy of living out our call is quickly diminished by the news of yet another impending divorce. This one strikes close to heart and home. Our family…our legacy…our lineage…under attack by the very thing we so passionately fight against. The solution?

We need more hands.

The mission may be over, but the need isn’t.

Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” Matthew 9:37-38


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